He's Just Not That Into You: Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

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IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said they’ve never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. As one fine man said, “A man has got to have his priorities.” Get a bright red crayon. Color in this flag. You’ve just made a big red flag. Good, because that’s what a man not wanting to have sex with you is. Now put down the crayon and go get yourself some good loving. Dear Pretty Girl who bought this book (that’s you), I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. However, I’ve never actually been on an official date with him. He always tells me to meet him somewhere, like a bar or a friend’s house. He doesn’t seem like he wants to spend time alone with me unless we’re having sex. I like having sex with him—so can’t I keep doing that until he gets to know me better and realizes he’s really into me? Answer: If you’ve answered this successfully (which means you’ve told this lovely lady to get rid of Booty Call the Barfly and go find herself a man that can at least spring for a slice of pizza), then you know your brain knows how to solve these problems; you have this information inside of you, and probably always have. It’s just a lot easier to see it when it’s not you. And now that you’ve been reminded, you can use your rediscovered wisdom for your own benefit. Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to be nice to them, too.) There’s never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. What other choice is there? Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.) Better than nothing is not good enough for you! If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask. Murky? Not good. There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

This is What It Should Look Like, by Greg I regretfully admit to having “disappeared” on a woman in my previous life as a single guy. A year later I saw this woman on the street, standing in front of a café. She looked stunning and was holding hands with a very handsome dude. I realized that I was of course ten million miles out of her head, and probably had been two minutes after I stopped calling her. Her life looked way more dignified than my behavior.FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Not Listening, I looked up “I don’t want to be your boyfriend” in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken, but I was right. It still means “I don’t want to be your boyfriend.” Wow. And this is coming from a guy who’s spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitmentfree. Not quite sure what you’re getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who’s proclaiming he’s not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I’d hope you’d at least go find someone who wasn’t saying to your face, “I’m just not that into you.” Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend” or “If you ever break up with that other guy who’s not your boyfriend, I’d like to be your boyfriend.” A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself. And why wouldn’t he, hot stuff? Sometimes I really despise being part of a time and in a culture that is losing the ability to date – and face it, we are. But it’s really hard to tell if someone is into you if the entire cultural approach to dating has turned on its head. So maybe the guy who texts you vehemently on Friday night who is clearly under liquid courage is doing so because he doesn’t know any better (but he is really into you). Or maybe he’s doing so because it’s a booty call. One thing is for sure, in this day and age, any person who says they want to go on an actual, real-life date with you, is definitely into you. 4. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you.” He’s Just Not That Into You - If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk If He Likes You, He’ll Want to See You When His Judgment isn’t Impaired It’s really fun to drink and date. Who doesn’t like to bring booze to the make-out party? It can make you more confident, and let’s face it, confidence is a rush and you are more likely to talk dirty. It’s all good, as long as you don’t confuse ice-breaking for real intimacy. Being drunk or high are altered states that can actually take you away from real feelings. Be aware that if Boozy the Clown has to slip on the red nose every time it gets intimate, it could be symptomatic of a bigger problem. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn’t be a second date, because if she didn’t like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?

This is What’s Hard about This One, by Liz In my life, I have had two men tell me that they had slept with someone else, in the beginning stages of our relationship. (In one case, it came to me in a dream, literally, and I confronted him. That really freaked him out.) Anyway, both times what I got from it was that these men wanted me to know that they could never be trusted. They were barely in the relationship and had already pulled the escape hatch. The beginning of two people getting together is such a fragile, tender time. There’s nothing like a big pail of Sleeping with Someone Else to put out the fires of a budding relationship. I personally would never be able to overcome that. So this isn’t really a tough one for me. Now, if I use my imagination, I could see that in the beginning, the lines are not that clearly drawn, the rules aren’t that firmly in place yet. Maybe it is the last fling before the final commitment. If it’s early in the relationship, it can be hard to know if the guy is just getting something out of his system and it’s a one-time thing, or if it’s a guy who’s just a big jerk. That’s the thing about dating—you’re having intimate experiences with someone who, at the end of the day, you don’t know very well. You don’t know his personal code of honor, you don’t have his dating rap sheet. You have to go by instinct, how much you care about him, and what he has to say for himself about it. All I can think is, how sad to be having that conversation in the beginning of things, when everything is supposed to be cozy and snugly and people are usually on their best behavior. If nothing else, I wish better for us all. I really do. Greg, I Get It! by Leslie, Age 29 Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that “Oh my God, I think I just met someone!” feeling. He didn’t ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I’m just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He’s not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I’m just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else. Okay so the dude who texts you vigorously every Friday night, if he only texts you every Friday night, yeah, he’s definitely not into you. Take to your heels lest you become the booty call. 7. “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.” It’s So Simple Learn it, live it, like it, love it: If a man likes you, he’s going to want to have sex with you. Sure, things may slow down in a long-term relationship, but even then, it’s a joy, a gift, and your right to have a fantastic sex life.There is no excuse for seeking out the attention of someone else when you’re in a committed relationship. This is a sure sign that he isn’t into you, even if he was once before. I don’t. I just don’t see the point in being in a relationship that appears to be damaging and beneath you. You are a really cool, obviously very cute…” “You don’t know me!” she practically shouted, cutting me off mid-sentence. “How do you know I can do better? You’ve only just met me. And why do you care anyway?” Wow! She had me dead to rights. I was stunned for a moment but then I remembered why I’m doing this, and I said to her what I would say to you now. “I don’t need to know you to know that at the very least you ought to think that way about yourself.” And why do I care? Or better yet, who am I to be giving advice to others? I am a formerly single guy who gave those same lame excuses, so I know what these guys are really doing. When I met my wife, Amiira, I became a different guy, a man who showed up, suited up, and was glad to do so, because I believe in love the verb, not the noun. I believe in letting the woman I love know I love her all the time with my actions. Why do I care about you? Because I have a sister and many women friends whom I love dearly, despite their unwillingness to hear the clanging bells of a crappy relationship. Because I have a wonderful sister and so many amazing women friends who still don’t have the confidence to believe that they deserve better and will only find someone better after they unload the dead weight of an inadequate suitor. Because I have an incredible sister and so many brilliant women friends who don’t yet truly accept that profound love is uplifting, joyous, inspiring, and intoxicating, and that they should never settle for anything less. Shitty relationships make you feel shitty, and that’s not what you were put on this earth for. It’s all fun and games to have some insight and a witty reply to your letters, but at the core the “He’s just not that into you” concept can truly have a magical transcendent effect. It’s not bad news if it helps you free yourself from a relationship that is beneath you. And we both know that only you can free yourself. I don’t pretend to know how to fix you. I do know how to help you recognize the problem. I do know that you are worthy of having great relationships and an even better life. I do think you are beautiful and somewhere deep down inside you know it too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. I believe life is a speedy and awesome gift, so don’t waste the pretty. If you are reading this, you want something better. If you are reading this, I want something better for you too. —Greg He’s Just Not That Into You - If He’s Not Dating You “Hanging Out” is Not Dating Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved. The “But He’s Really a Good Person” Excuse Dear Greg, I never thought I’d be in this situation. I know you’re not supposed to date married men, but here I am. I met him at a conference out of town, but ended up seeing him for work reasons in the city I live in. We fell in love and one thing led to another. We see each other whenever he’s in town, which is often. It would be easy to think all the bad things I should think about this situation, except for the fact that he is a kind, good man. He has never done anything like this before. And he never says anything bad about his wife. We are deeply in love. I’m thirty-six years old and I have never in my life felt anything this powerful before. He says the same thing, too. He talks about leaving his wife, but he has two young children, and this would be devastating to them. He is tortured by it all. I feel awful, and yet I also believe I deserve to feel this kind of love. And if it feels so huge, it must be real and meant to be. This isn’t the typical dating-a-married-guy story, Greg. This is me. And it feels completely different. Belinda FROM THE DESK OF GREG Dear Other Woman, Hey, smart girl. Good for you to know you deserve to feel a powerful and profound love. I just think you should have it with someone who’s actually yours. There’s plenty of guys out there. Why not get one of your own? Sure, okay, sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here’s how you and Ring Finger Fred can handle this situation now: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he ends up staying with his wife, then you would have been that girl who was having an affair with the guy who was never planning on leaving his wife. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame. This is no joke, and I’m not even going to try to be glib (even if I was a little in the letter above). You want love and you want to be loved and you think you’ve finally found it. But he’s married. Please try not to ignore that fact. He’s married to someone else. I know you’re different, and it’s different, but the fact is, he’s still married. If there’s only one red flag you are unable to ignore in your entire life, please make it this one. There’s simply too much at stake for everyone involved.

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said they have never vomited in the bed of a woman they were really into. (Apparently these guys don’t know how to have a good time.)

Greg, I Get It! by Dorrie, Age 32 I was dating a guy I met on a job. We had to spend a lot of time together and it was really romantic getting to know him and working with him. After the job ended, we’d still get together and go on dates and kiss good night. This went on for two months. He would never take it any farther. But in the meantime I met his family, went to big functions with him, made plans with him. It was like we were seriously dating, but without the sex. I knew he hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time, so I thought he was just taking it slow. But then I realized, Greg, after the third month, that he was getting to feel intimate with me without actually being intimate with me. I got up the nerve to ask him if this was how it was going to continue, and he started blubbering and stammering about relationships and how scary they are and whatever. I got out of there and fast, because I realized, no matter how nice he was to me, and how intimate we were pretending to be, he was just not that into me and I wanted more.

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG 100% of men polled said that when they broke up with someone, it always meant that they didn’t want to go out with them anymore. (One guy even asked, “How can you have great breakup sex if you don’t break up?” Don’t go out with this guy!) This book is dedicated to all the lovely ladies out there whose stories inspired us to write this book. May we never need to write another one. Ready to learn the most important takeaways from He’s Just Not That Into You in less than two minutes? Keep reading! Why This Book Matters: This is What It Should Look Like, by Greg Don’t ask me how I know, because I don’t want to tell you, but I can assure you that my parents, who are in their seventies, after children, illnesses, aging, stressful jobs, and daily annoyances (read: life), are still having sex. If my parents can do it, so can you and your boyfriend. Greg, I Get It! by Traci, Age 25 Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!

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This one is tough. Tough because some people really do not ever want to get married to anybody. And some people just aren’t sure they want to get married to the person they are with. We all know someone who dated a person for FOREVER and then they broke-up, met a different person, and then got married in eight months. The book (and movie) insists love cures commitment-phobia. And I’m sure while that’s true some of the time, committing to someone also probably has to do with sharing similar values. Maybe someone is really into you bust just doesn’t believe in the institution of marriage. Then it becomes a question of if you’re okay with that. But one thing I don’t encourage is believing that you can change someone because you’re dating them. Sometimes you can, but most times you can’t. For me, this would be my cue to bid the dude bon voyage. 8. “He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.” I hope this book was helpful to you. I hope it made you a la This is What It Should Look Like, by Liz My friend met a guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks before, after living with her for three years. She thought that she was just going to be his “rebound” romance. He thought she may be that as well. But even though he could have used the excuse that he wasn’t ready yet, because he had “just gotten out of something,” he didn’t. Because he was really into her, he never let her feel that he wasn’t available to her. They are now in a serious relationship. IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, “It would have spoiled all the fun.” What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter